When your heart's not open" - Madonna, Frozen
Maeve had a great Christmas, totally unconcerned with anything but shoving tissue paper in her mouth and playing with the new books and toys that kept appearing. I stressed, trying to keep her happy and picturesque, all the while trying to stay out of pictures myself.
Things are still not good inside my head. Any little amount of sleep lost, and I absolutely cannot keep the hounds at bay. My grandmother's bathroom has a huge, half-wall sized mirror, and it's made me start avoiding using the bathroom at her house.
I am the least attractive I have been since middle school. That's the thought I can't banish. Saying it here is the first time I've admitted that thought to anyone. And I'm not looking for sympathy or compliments, I'm trying to tell you how I feel.
This is not so bad on days when everything else goes okay; then I can ignore myself just fine. But if I screw something up with Maeve or lose my patience with my husband, I get stuck in the awful feelings for the remainder of the day. Because then I'm not just ugly, I'm incompetent or unkind. And I can't shake it.
I told my brain yesterday: you would never talk like this to anyone else! Can't you even be kind to yourself? But see, then it's going down that negative spiral again.
So today, I will do the bare minimum; in fact, I've already done it. I'll be open. I'll try not to keep all these mean thoughts all secreted away inside me. It's a start, anyway.
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| Maeve had a great day :) |
You may not be looking for compliments, but you should have one anyway because you are beautiful. And I don't just mean that in a you've-got-a-nice-soul kind of way (although you do); I mean your outsideness is lovely. Ca'llate, sabuesos de mente, esta'n lleno de mierda.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honest candor...these same thoughts run through my head on a nearly daily basis and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do about it.
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