I have avoided talking about how my weight loss is going; it's much easier to paint you a picture of my life with Maeve than to show you a Polaroid of my waistline. But for the last few months, I was working hard to change how I looked. I counted calories and was shooting for 1300-1400 a day. I did sit-ups and crunches, I ate rice cakes, I did step aerobics, I snacked on diet food. I was hungry and tired, and I lost very little weight.
It's exhausting to try to love yourself and want to change how you look at the same time. That's a lot of what we used to call in literature classes Negative Capacity, the ability to believe two opposite ideas at the same time. Really, at its core for me was a strong dislike for how I looked, which I painted over with the bright sparkly nail polish of wanting to be healthy and caring about myself. But the problem with nail polish is it's always chipping off.
The truth is, I haven't been skinny since before puberty, and it's been a battle ever since then to like how I look. Right now I think my hair is stellar, I love my glasses and my eyes, and I think my legs are pretty okay, and that's as kind to myself as I can easily be. But I am learning.
When we went to England on vacation, I gave up counting calories, and just tried to get out and walk every day. Walking is good for my mind anyway, gives me time to sort through things and decide how I want to think about them, and that's useful. And while on a walk with a good friend in London, I decided that it is actually more important to me that Maeve understand that women come in all shapes and sizes, and her mommy is happy and complete despite not resembling Barbie. I don't need Maeve to think I'm beautiful, I need her to know that happiness and self-acceptance are within her reach.
So I gave up counting calories and eating depressing diet foods. I take a walk every day and shoot for eating 2 fruits and 2 veggies every day. And I have lost 5 pounds since we went to England. And I am beginning to look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror again. So this feels like blooming to me.
i wish there was a love button! i never thought of how this may come off to our daughters. i would rather show her a healthy diet (including cakes and cookies ;)) and getting outside to play than fretting over that same piece of cake and then running for miles. i am okay with working out and stuff but maybe i should think before i speak or act harshly about myself. good for you! be proud of who you are and what you do for a girls mindset.
ReplyDelete*Love* love, love this post! Yes, oh yes oh yes. I hear ya.
ReplyDeleteIt's the most amazing thing, isn't it, to come to a place and see the good. Know we're pretty sparkly exactly as we are.
On the weight loss thing, you put words in my mouth on what I did, also to no avail. I gave up, thinking that I wasn't likely to lose anything till I stopped breastfeeding. But somehow with the acceptance came some loss - wacky how that works, huh.
ALSO - I'm done with dieting. I am working with the food combinations though - I think there is something to that.
You are awesome. That is all.
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