Addition, Or...

"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands." -Christina Rossetti

I have decided not to decide.

For a long time, The Husband and I were sure we only wanted one child.  But that was before we had one, and that decision was at best, uninformed.  Having had a baby and gotten her through all the crazy not-sleeping, nursing-problems, allergies, and other insanities, and coming out the other end a fairly sane person and a happy mother, I would kind of like to do it again.  Call it biology.

But I really can't make that decision right now, because Maeve is at such a demanding age that I feel like I just can't be pregnant and have all the needs that go along with that state while she is too young to explain it to.  Maeve doesn't even think I have needs that exist outside of her.  I think she needs to be just a little bigger so I can tell her "Mommy doesn't feel good right now" and she'll feel sorry for me or at least let me puke in peace, and not just scream and throw herself on the ground because I can't get her more milk right this second.

I think my heart has room for another baby.  I think I want it.  But at the end of every single long day of chasing, changing, cajoling, and rushing to save Maeve's neck yet again, I am so exhausted that the thought of losing even an hour of sleep, let alone 5, is an awful nightmare.

I feel bad because I have made it sound like the Husband doesn't make enough for us to have another; while things would be even tighter than they are now, I think we could manage.  It's not his fault, and he is not standing in my path.  I am.  With a big thought bubble of Maeve floating over my head.

So last night we talked about it, and decided not to decide just yet.  When Maeve is more independent, when she is old enough to talk about it, then maybe.  Because I do want her to have a sibling, I think, even though my sibling has hurt me so much and has so little to do with my life.  He is the exception.  If she had a sibling, she might discover a best friend.  Someone to complain about Mom and Dad with.  No doubt a co-conspirator.  And everyone needs someone they can talk to who isn't their parents, who gets it.

I don't know.  The answer is, I don't know.  I think I will, eventually, but for today, I choose not to choose.  I wait.  And I keep on enjoying my life as it is right now, today, this very minute.

Her.  A year ago yesterday.