Hard to Write

You may have noticed I haven't written much lately. It's been hard to write.

The days are long and full of struggle, interrupted by beauty and joy, of course, but long nonetheless, and sometimes it feels like a starless night: cold, lonely, and dark.

Maeve is the center of my universe, the star around which my day orbits, and she has been so troubled that it's hard to see daylight.

Going anywhere with her makes me anxious in the pit of my stomach, because more than half the time we have a giant fight when it's time to go. She hits, screams, hurts both of us with her anger, every single day. I've given up taking her to stores, and every play date is stressful even to schedule, knowing how she may react when we leave.

I am anxious when she's at school, hoping she is doing well today, hoping she will do her best and get her work done at school so we don't have to struggle with extra work at home. My heart breaks when she begs me not to take her to school. It doesn't happen every day, but it hits me like an avalanche when she does.

Bedtime is a breeze some nights, other nights it's World War III. Sometimes after we finally get her to bed, Daddy and I just collapse in a heap of misery and try to comfort each other. It'll get better. It has to.

But right now it is dark, and hard to bear. And it's hard to write about.

But this girl. I adore her. Always.