Like Locked Doors

One of my friends was telling me she misses my blog here, and so do I, in truth. I don't want to write much about Maeve (or, I do, but I feel I owe it to her to preserve her privacy) but there are still plenty of things for me to write about.

For one thing, now that Maeve's in school all day, I suddenly have time to myself again. I feel like I'm waking from a long sleep, and have to figure out all over again who I want to be in this world full of adults.

I thought I wanted to work at a library, and I still do, but yesterday I found out I didn't get the position I applied for - despite doing what I believed was one of the best interviews of my life. It's disheartening to find that doing one's utter best in an interview doesn't necessarily correlate to being awarded a position. But I hear library jobs are highly competitive, which makes sense, because it's possibly one of the coolest places to work on Earth.

So now I'm doing VA (virtual assistant) work and also have taken a leadership position at my awesome kitchen retail job, which are both super cool, but neither gives me a sense of purpose, of who I am.

I know that lots of people don't find their sense of purpose or self at work, and it's not exactly new, but I still feel like I've emerged from a cocoon (of being "just a mom") and I'm looking around trying to find a mirror to see what I look like, what I am now. And nothing yet is giving me that picture clearly.

But as Rilke chides us, I am trying to be patient with the questions in my life, like locked doors or books written in a very foreign language.